Sunday, June 27, 2004
whew! what an aweeeeeesoomeeeee day! =) labrador park is so "spunky" (haha jun) and cool! it was windy today too... maybe it had something to do with it being by the coast heh but looking at the sea and the clear sky really has a calming effect... especially when u walk barefoot on the nice soft grass, kinda like return to nature or something heh. surreal experience? =p but it was really fun, especially when we went to the playground (they had nice soft white sand!) and started fooling around, and then went on like the slides and everything heh... really funny when wayne went "hey josh what kind of slide is that?" (there was this real small "slide" for you to pour sand) and the small kid there suddenly shouted back "this is not a slide!!" hahaha =) the kids were amazing too... it rocks being a kid :p i think some part of me will always remain a kids... kids have the most fun anyway =p performed toxic after that... was qt okae i guess... even though this angmoh guy was like staring at me the whole time and i was like always looking at him... haha he didnt seem v receptive :p but oh well had lots of fun!
heh sorry jac... having so much fun while your'e mugging hee =) and power to myself too! hmph. :p
ahhhhhh sch opens again tmrw... gotta brace myself... heh havent done ANY work at all. even s-papers... sigh. i dunno why im doing s papers... especially when i plan to go to NUS anyway, maybe can join the gymnastics/hostel dance... hahaha :P
tumbling is damn fun! everything about dance is fun lah... the steps, the music, the expressions... but most of all, the company. definitely the company =)
or so it seems, at 10:48 PM
Saturday, June 26, 2004
havent blogged in awhile... the hols have passed in a real blur. its definitely been fun, and tiring, and maybe abit stressful at times... but i think its the best june break i've ever had, even if it wasnt much of a "break" at all. i realised one thing yesterday... that i really hate the education system we have here in singapore. i understand that we have to count ourselves as fortunate as even having an education system... but its one that i would not want my children to go through. i dont see what kind of learning experience occurs when the pressure is on good grades (in subjects that are extremely narrow and kinda irrelevant to our future lives). lectures in school are a complete waste of time now, seriously. maybe its just me, but not only are they boring (both the content and the presentation, even though sometimes the content can be interesting but the presentation can just kill it) and useless as well. i dont see the point in sitting there listening to a recitation of the notes that are sitting infront of us. the only thing "useful" is that the lecturer could possibly tell us what is important and what is not... but again that comes back to the narrow singleminded goal of achieving good grades. so much for a holistic learning experience. the increased emphasis on cca is definitely a good thing.. but changing the name from extra to co doesnt seem to have done much more. so the government makes cca more important for uni applications... but it still pretty much occurs after our super long school hours. so much for a co-curriculum activity. *sigh* i truly understand what it means to grit and do what we hate. but school shouldnt be something that we hate. its a great thing that we look forward to interaction with friends and peers in school, but surely there's more to learn that just that. or is there?
haha okae enough griping about the education system... havent done any homework at all in the hols. i think my a's are in serious trouble. bleh. stupid a levels. i find it hard to see the link between the o's and the a's, especially since we can switch subjects and combis, its like starting all over again, except this time we are only given 2 years to cram more complex stuff in a greater depth into our brains. and of course we learn to crap more. people always say that creativity is the key to the success for the future of singapore... why do i get the feeling that our education system is killing it? argh ok no more about education.
dance has been tremendous! i just love it... really serious into taking classes now, ballet classes even... its so.... so beautiful and inspiring. there are many times when i just sit and think and regret "i wasted my youth" but theres still so much time ahead of me.. i just hope i dont waste anymore time.. thats my greatest fear now. i recognise that anything can just end in an instant.. kinda like friendships... i dunno. but i always feel that my class is dead. like how our supposed SJI never occured, how the trip to the zoo was cancelled (i think, i wasnt free anyway) but i also have the feeling that its always about the choices we make... and class has taken a backseat in my priorities, definitely much much much further back now. i dont really care anymoe. i'll cherish those who cherish me.. like how i cherish dance so much now. i dont think its just about the fact that we've spent so much time together during the hols. i think its more about how its been an amazing month, and there just remains so much promise.. *sigh*
which brings me to another thing that has been haunting me... it'll all be over in july. its really been bothering me... will it be the last time i dance? the last time we spend such time together, working on our lines, hanging out in town, shopping for dance stuff, just being together.. my main fear now is that everything will fall apart.. girls will go work or uni, guys will have army.. thats a long time. things are always changing... but sometimes i just wish they could stay the same forever =( and somehow i just think that it wont even be close to being what it is now :(
i've found what i've always been looking for... and i dont want to lose it.
or so it seems, at 4:10 PM
Monday, June 21, 2004
Ravenclaw! Some might see you as a bit haughty, but
that's just because they lack the intellectual
capacity to be worthy of your presence. You see
little difference between enlightenment and
entertainment; learning experiences are
tremendously enjoyable for you. And remember,
kids: just because you're brilliant doesn't
mean you're studious!
A More Unique Hogwarts Sorting Quiz brought to you by Quizilla
haha cho chang!! =)
or so it seems, at 7:25 PM
Thursday, June 10, 2004
well wanted to blog yesterday actually... but lovely blogger had some error for me.. and i kinda forgot what i wanted to say. but anyway... been kinda a tiring week, i dont know why but i feel really tired during the day, and like get slight headaches... no idea why -_- maybe its my sleep patterns... trying to sleep earlier now.. bleh its already midnight. better sleep after this post.
anyway guess what! when we were taking the NEL to farrer park to go buy our jeans for dance... haha we saw andrew seow ! they were filming for some chinese show... we were in the carriage right next to them heh... too bad we werent sitting in the other carriage otherwise maybe we could be on tv... lol. some scene where he like gave this girl flowers and she screamed "fei li ahhhh!!" quite interesting =)wayne was like "quick quick hollowback hollowback!" to get the camera's attention... lol farrer park station also has like this huge long wide empty corridor... looks good for breaking haha. not like i can break... but still =p
dance is real fun! even though can be quite stressful at times... lines, steps, videos, music, even "acting" now heh... but its still damn fun =) would be nice if we had a dance studio we could slack around in too though... not one where ocassionally the lights dont work (at night especially) the aircon is spoilt, its always messed up after ppl use it for their camps and holding areas... at least the ants are gone! haha.. =p
anyhow was just thinking... wayne came over just now to like watch some videos on breaking/gym stuff and just slack... laughed quite abit. haha anyway i realised tt well... wayne has had quite a big influence on my life heh. he's the one who persuaded me to join dance... yah i know like vinia/vin/sun had been bugging me... but its only after he spoke to me that i seriously considered it.. also like he's always giving me advice, especially on faith and staying true to God... =p so... thx! heh... been a great friend =)
hmm not so sleepy anymore... think i crossed my threshold. but sleep is a must! especially to clear these damn pimples... :s
or so it seems, at 11:57 PM
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
i feel cold. cold like i've never felt before, colder than i've ever been. im no longer the man that i once was, or once believed i was either. i understand that so much has happened to me, controlled or not. but the important fact is that i've become a shadow of the person that i was once hoping to be, nothing more than a whisper of who i knew i was. everyday passes in a blur, time becomes nothing more than fleeting moments that pale in significance with each passing day.
i like what the pastor said during the hillsongs "your'e not here by chance, your'e here because God wanted you to be here". i wasnt even planning to go, i didnt even know that the festival of praise was then. i know it comes every ye ar but i've never gone before, and this was the first time for me that i've even been asked to go. albeit i didnt think i was going after i turned down the opportunity to go on friday... but somehow i still ended up going on saturday. and even though i did feel disappointed and kinda out of place at the time.. it has definitely affected me more than i admitted.
the most important thing is that it got me thinking, got me examining myself... something that i said i'd do when i stopped going to church a few months back.. and never really got around to doing. at the time i saw it more of an excuse... it was clearly something that i needed to do, but typically i just put it off just like i put off everything else... there's always tmrw, i think. but thats not true. nothing is sure in this life, except what awaits us in the next. and thats something that i find myself wanting to believe in again. i used to think that there was an inherent contradiction in wanting to believe, and really believing something. kinda like, its not real belief if you dont feel it and just want to believe... but thats totally untrue. wanting to believe is more important that belief in itself... i mean, you'll never truly believe until you want to, right? i do... i truly want to believe.
i've always thought that its about how i'm going to find Him again, how i'm going to open up myself... but its not about that at all. its about Him finding me, and he's already found me... its just that i need to realise that. and... amazingly.. it just took one festival of praise to do that. guess it wasnt so disappointing after all.. eh? =)
a clear fear i have now is that this is only a momentary relevation... and that it'll be forgotten when i wake up tmrw morning (it is, 1:42am in the morning), or if not tmrw morning then the day after, or the next week, or month, or whenever. but another thing i've realised is that sometimes its better not to look so far ahead, but to go day by day. committment is not a weekly thing, monthly thing, yearly thing... its a daily thing. to commit everyday.. thats true committment.
yup... just wanna say thanx to all those who have been praying for me and encouraging me... even when i know i have been extremely difficult and like very bo chap about it... but still u stuck by my side.. mich and bev... =)
i know its gonna be a tough journey ahead... when has it ever been easy? but surely... just like the title of my blog, they say that love can heal the broken, they say that hope can make you see, they say that faith can find a Savior, if you would follow and believe, with faith like a child.
Jesus i believe in You.. and i would go, to the ends of the earth... to the ends of the earth. For You alone are the Son of God and all the world will see, that You are God, that You are God.
I believe.
or so it seems, at 1:34 AM
Sunday, June 06, 2004
just got home from hillsongs... and it was qt disappointing actually. come to think of it i didnt really know what to expect, but i found it abit dull and boring... the drummer was really good though. halfway through i actually started thinking about linkin park... i would love to go to their concert! speaking about concerts... does anyone want to buy dance tickets? i just realised that there aren't many tickets to sell actually... so if u want tix pls ask me! =) so i can get them
anyway kallang was damn crowded... found it weird that ppl actually queue up outside like 2 and a half hours before the show even starts, it strikes me as odd that ppl have to queue up for like what is basically a worship service. didnt really like the part where people just ran closer to the stage and started jumping around either.. i dont know is it a rock concert or worship? maybe abit of both... guess i'm just not used to it, being from a rather conservative church after all. and it just occured to me... i dont think i'm a christian anymore. havent been to church for... qt a few months now, and i dont feel anything at all. after todays festival of praise, and seeing ppl raise their hands and well. basically commit themselves to praising God, i realise that i didnt feel the same way... was kinda stoning through most of it , except like when i knew the song and kinda liked it too. i really didnt like the pastor either, i dont like it when they do all these altar call things like "raise your hand, i see that hand" and all tt kinda stuff. shrug. i dont know anymore.
what does it mean to have faith? to truly believe? i dont think i've ever known, not since i've been going to church with my family as a baby, just following them and never going on my own accord, being woken ever sunday morning (struggling to stay in bed most of the time) and even ended up pretended to be sick on many occasions just to avoid going to church. but pulling back, look at the larger picture, maybe this is many ways reflects life itself. nothing really means much anymore, everything is turning into such a ritual, life is become a standard day to day everyday the same story. maybe dance is the exception, but other than that.. i dont see much purpose to life anymore.
worse still, it doesnt seem to bother me anymore.
or so it seems, at 12:17 AM
Saturday, June 05, 2004
sometimes we do the weirdest things, things that not only dont make sense but also seem to act against what we really need and that our subconcious is prodding us to do. like going to sleep instead of staying awake when i have to wake up in 6 hours to go for dance. oh well at least i finished redoing some of the music... waiting for it to burn finish now anyways.. and there's always msn to keep me company =)
dead tired! the holidays always seem to make me more tired instead of bringing me out refreshed for the term ahead.. for some reason i just HAVE to sleep late during the holidyas, even when i have to wake early. didnt help that i woke up at like noon today.. feeling horrible =p late sleep and late wake = lethargy.
but... still have to find the energy to blog, because there has been just so much that i've been pondering and need to put into words. like about the purpose of life. just watched the finale of the o.c season 1... its a really really good show. and it made me wonder about depression and happiness... why do we sometimes feel extremely depressed?
i dont know but i was wondering that perhaps one reason why i feel so... monotonous and desensitized lately is that i havent really felt depressed in a long time... maybe just tinges of loneliness or sadness, but not the ugly depression that has emerge in my previous posts. how can we claim to experience true happiness if we've never felt true depression? people can go through life being all happy with life, letting things slide, moving on quickly, in a kind of desensitized state so to speak... but will they ever be as happy as someone who's experienced depression and the hope that shines through afterwards? *shrug*
but i do know one thing though... the easiest way to avoid depression is to occupy yourself and move on quickly, get caught in the race of life and not let anything slow you down... but its always the easiest way to reach a breakdown.
somethings happened to my writing... its so... erh. so bleah now =p maybe it really is degenerating into crap. haha. haiz. anyway had a really good week! dance is picking up, and we're shifting through the gears liao, more or less can focus on cleaning up the lines now that we know almost all the steps! =) also been able to catch shrek 2 and harry potter (which is really good btw) and gone shopping, getting a lot of stuff i've been wanting to get for ages. my camera is still spoiled... but i have my brothers one now :D well its saturday now... hope that this will last through the hols and build on from here! will need sleep for that though... heh.
or so it seems, at 1:20 AM
